I just wrote this poem. What do you think?

Line 6---The more we swim closed--eyed the more we are adrift( better flow, and alliteration---(are adrift). You hide inside your shelter, and I inside of mine. Darkness creeps,the others sleep,to the dark recline. These two lines among others show that you have great promise as a writer. Great use of internal rhyme, and personification(Darkness creeps) Title suggestion---"We Hide Inside Our Shelters,( But We Long To See The Sky")---Really Good!!!---William